I get uncomfortable when someone is vulnerable with me. It hurts my heart to see anyone struggling. And so my historical pattern has been to immediately go into fix-them mode.
What does it mean to hold space for someone? It means resisting the urge to fix, solve, or rescue. It means being present with their pain without needing to make it go away.
I’ve been terrible at this. But I’m learning.
The Fix-It Trap
When someone shares their struggle, the impulse to offer solutions is often about us, not them. I don’t have to feel my own discomfort if I can immediately start implementing a solution.
The problem is that there’s a time for solutions and there’s a time for just being present. Most of us default to solutions because sitting with someone’s pain requires us to feel our own.
My coaching style has shifted from “pile on top and fix them” to “hold space and listen.” The results are completely different.
When I used to jump straight into problem-solving mode, people would nod along. They’d take notes. They’d say thank you. But something was missing. The connection never deepened. The healing never really landed.
The Power in Vulnerability
When you hold space for someone instead of fixing them, something remarkable happens. In their vulnerable state, they have access to healing at a causal level. Not a mental band-aid. Real healing at the soul level.
But those of us living in our masculine have been afraid to let this transformation happen. Because to hold space for someone, you must fully empathize with them. And that means being comfortable with uncomfortable feelings.
It’s hard. But it’s so healing.
The person sharing doesn’t need your wisdom in that moment. They need your presence. They need to feel that their experience is valid without any conditions attached. That’s what creates the safety for real transformation to occur.
The Practice
The next time someone tells you they had a bad day, see if you can hold off on trying to fix them. Instead, offer this invitation without judgment, interruption, or expectation:
Tell me about it.
That’s it. No solutions. No reframes. No “have you tried…” Just presence.
Notice what comes up in your body when you practice this. The urge to help might feel like physical tension. The need to contribute something useful might show up as restlessness. That’s your own discomfort asking to be seen.
Let it be there. Let them share. Let the silence stretch if it needs to.
Why This Matters
Holding space for someone is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer. It says: your pain is valid. You don’t need to be fixed. I can be here with you in this.
Most people have never experienced this. They’ve only experienced people trying to make their discomfort go away as fast as possible. When you hold space instead, you’re offering something rare.
And in the process, you learn to hold space for yourself too.
This is the hidden benefit. Every time you practice presence with someone else’s pain, you’re building the muscle to be present with your own. You’re learning that difficult feelings don’t need to be solved immediately. They need to be felt.
That changes everything about how you move through the world.
This is shadow work in action.
If you’re ready to process what’s been running your life, explore the Shadow Work practices.