Thinking Before Speaking: The Pause That Changes Everything

When I track my greatest regrets and biggest mistakes, almost always there was some truth inside of me that wanted to be spoken or expressed that I was unwilling to confront and deal with.

But I used to think that meant I needed to SAY SOMETHING.

That’s not it. I just realized this today.

The Blurt Impulse

I used to get so mad at myself for believing I should say something and then not saying it. Or I would have this emotionally-charged thing inside me and I would BLURT it out to whoever was in front of me.

But the discomfort wasn’t coming from NOT SAYING THE THING. It was from some intense FEELING underneath those words that wanted to be FELT. Rather than feeling it, I just blurted out whatever came into my head that would get rid of the feeling fastest.

The Paradox

In one instance, there’s this burning thing within me that I feel I need to express. But I don’t express it because I’m afraid of rejection. I think people might think my “truth” is immature.

And those are actually ACCURATE fears. Because really, the reason I want to express that emotionally-charged thing in the first place is that I’m not wanting to FEEL what lives underneath the expression.

That need to “EXPRESS AUTHENTICALLY” from an emotionally-charged place is actually a defense mechanism.

What I’ve Learned

I’ve ended entire relationships from that emotionally-charged place. And I see now: that emotional charge is the FEELING telling me to chill out. There’s something to feel here before you act a fool.

The fact that thoughts have ANY emotional charge on them likely means they don’t actually need to be SAID. They just need to be FELT deeply, to the point of softening the charge.

Only then, when the emotional charge has dissipated, do we make a now RATIONAL choice about whether to express it or not.

Thinking Before Speaking Starts With Feeling

That drive to BLURT IT OUT TO THE WORLD is an emotional addiction I suffer from hardcore.

But there’s a deeper level I can address it at: FEELING that neediness to express and be heard. Feeling it instead of projecting it outward.

By giving ourselves space to sit with emotionally-charged thoughts first, rather than blurting them out as a knee-jerk reaction, we’re more likely to act with integrity that serves everyone.

We don’t have to project all of our stupid ideas and emotions onto our partners, friends, and family. We can go to our journal and scribble furiously. We can talk to a coach or therapist who holds space for us to say dumb things out loud and feel them deeply.

Thinking before speaking isn’t about suppression. It’s about feeling first.