In our hookup culture, it’s become apparent to me that many women have perfected the art of settling.
Their expectations of men and what a good man should look like are so low that men barely even have to show up to the relationship.
The Casual Intimacy Loop
As I’ve been coaching more and more women who are looking to find the right guy, I’m reminded of a book I read in high school when I was trying to figure out what was going on inside a woman’s mind and what they really wanted.
It seems many women are getting tired of being caught in some kind of casual intimacy loop. And yet they keep on lowering their standards.
I get it. I was heavily involved in hookup culture for my entire twenties. Sometimes having anyone feels better than having no one.
The Real Question
But that’s the problem. If you’re not comfortable with who you are by yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be truly comfortable with you?
I know it’s hard to hear. But if someone isn’t willing to follow simple relationship principles, they’re probably not that into you. Or they don’t know they’re supposed to, and you can coach them into what you want from them.
If they’re not that into you, why bother with them?
Self Love in a Relationship Begins With You
Learning to love yourself in those times of solitude is so much more rewarding than trying to find comfort in the arms of a stranger. Or worse, a close lover afraid to commit because they know you’re not really the one.
Love isn’t always convenient at first. It’s the product of deep internal work and emotional transmutation.
Self love in a relationship starts before the relationship ever begins. You can’t pour from an empty cup. And you can’t attract what you don’t already have within yourself.
When You’re Full, They Appear
When you can love yourself fully, the perfect lover will literally show up on your doorstep. The internal work leads to the external ease.
I’ve seen it happen.
The purpose is to put yourself firmly in the feeling place of personal power. When you’re purely standing in your authentic expression, you don’t need rules. You’ll draw in the exact experiences that you need.
The Dance of Masculine and Feminine
The energetic back and forth of dating is the dance between masculine and feminine energy. Being solidly in your feminine energy draws someone in and transforms them.
Feminine energy is so healing. It’s a confident vulnerability.
A deeply honest and committed relationship is so beautiful. You don’t have to settle for casual intimacy unless that’s what you really want.
The Real Work
Stop looking for love in someone else. Start cultivating it within yourself.
The loneliness you’re running from is actually an invitation. It’s asking you to go inward, to meet the parts of yourself you’ve been avoiding.
When you do that work, you won’t need someone to complete you. You’ll be whole. And from that wholeness, you’ll attract another whole person.
That’s not settling. That’s becoming.
This is shadow work in action.
If you’re ready to process what’s been running your life, explore the Shadow Work practices.