How to Stop People Pleasing: Why Faking It Hurts Everyone

I was feeling a bunch of anxiety, grief, and sadness in my chest this evening. So I just sat with those feelings in my hotel room for almost three hours.

This is what I mean when I say it’s important to feel my feelings. Learning how to stop people pleasing started here.

The Party I Didn’t Go To

But I haven’t always made this kind of space for myself.

I had an invite to dinner and a party this evening and normally I would have gone just to keep up appearances. But not honoring how I’m actually feeling has been detrimental to myself and my relationships in the past.

I’m looking to get better at this level of honesty.

The old me would have pushed through. Would have smiled at people while feeling hollow inside. Would have made small talk while my chest burned with emotions I refused to acknowledge.

That version of me thought he was being strong. He was actually just being terrified.

The Addiction That Runs Deep

I have an emotional addiction to people feeling good around me.

It’s uncomfortable for me to be honest about how I’m feeling with others because I’m always afraid that they’re going to judge me and be hurt by my real feelings.

As a rebellious teenager, my honesty was often met with rage, so I learned to just lie. I trained myself to just fake it so I wouldn’t upset anyone.

This programming runs deep. It became automatic. I didn’t even notice I was doing it most of the time. The mask became so familiar that I forgot I was wearing one.

Every time I smiled when I wanted to cry, every time I said yes when I meant no, I reinforced the pattern. I became a professional performer in my own life.

Why Faking It Backfires

But when I do this I end up resenting the people I’m faking it for and I resent myself. No one wins.

If you’re wondering how to stop people pleasing, it starts with saying how you feel even if you think the person in front of you may not understand or might even get offended.

It’s clear that other people have emotional addictions too. Sometimes it feels like we’re all relying on each other to make sure those addictions are met by putting on a show for one another.

The tragic part is that we think we’re protecting the relationship. We’re actually poisoning it slowly. Every inauthentic interaction builds a wall between us and the people we claim to love.

They don’t know the real us. How could they? We’ve been hiding that person for years.

What Real Connection Requires

But I really want to develop true, real relationships with people.

So I’m attempting to be courageous where in the past I’ve been a coward. That looks like feeling my feelings when I need to instead of going to the party.

It means telling friends when I need space. It means admitting when I’m struggling instead of performing wellness. It means risking their disappointment so they can actually know who I am.

The fear tells me they’ll leave if they see the real me. But the relationships built on pretending weren’t real anyway. They were just two masks nodding at each other.

And honestly, I feel a lot better.

The anxiety in my chest has space to breathe now. The grief can move through instead of getting stuck. This is what healing actually looks like. Not forcing yourself to be okay, but letting yourself be exactly where you are.