That careful tightrope dance connecting control with complete abandon. A life meticulously organized to create a safety net delusion in support of reckless behavior. Routine married to beautiful uncharted waters.
The Morning Ritual
In the mornings, I run, move through yogic positions, sweat out all the poison, purify myself. I hydrate profusely. Take supplements and superfoods. Everything is about maintaining proper blood sugar levels. A balancing of biochemicals. Self-medication.
A self-indulgent brilliance emerges within me. That narcissistic awareness one gets which rings so true in the mind of the offender: “I’m doing it better than anyone else. I’m the only one smart enough to get away with this.”
And so the plot thickens, as “getting away with it” becomes the challenge.
The Lie Beneath the Lie
They’ll never know I hate myself. I’ll never know, either. Brilliant.
My own inner-guidance puts me in ever-increasing layers of drama and close-calls. The challenge, like the blood alcohol levels, must be on a constant roller coaster ride of highest highs and lowest lows.
Daily affirmations: “My body perfectly processes food and alcohol. My liver remains clean and fully functional.”
A mantra emerges: “I am passing. I am so good. I am better than them.”
The Resentment
“How can they all be so stupid? I hate them for letting me go on like this.”
I’m so playful that your suspicion is unfounded. I’ve convinced myself so vividly this isn’t a problem. That I not only know better than you but AM better than you.
This is Jedi-mind control and my thoughts are so articulated that I’ve thought of the next 30 to 300 moves, while you’re still stuck in what I did a moment ago.
The Codependent Dance
I project onto you that you need courage, when I’m the one desperately spinning in fear. You can’t be courageous. You’re too stupid and I’m too smart.
You’re just as addicted to me as I am to anything swirling in the bottom of a bottle. And because of that, we’re the same. No, I remain superior because I hold something you don’t: awareness.
Your dependency sickens me, and yet, I can use it. I’ll use you. You’ll become a part of my lie. You’re now trapped in my web.
The Cost
I lost empathy many years ago. A consequence of avoiding my own internal turmoil for too long. But I’ve mastered my body’s ability to produce dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. I’m a chemist. My entire life is designed to trigger the right biochemicals.
I need external stimulus because I’ve forgotten how to actually feel. I lost touch with my emotions long ago, if I was ever in touch with them at all.
That’s why I help you. Not because I care. I’ve forgotten how to care. I help you because your struggle reminds me that I’m the one who has it all together. I’m in control.
And yet, I need you.
This is shadow work in action.
If you’re ready to process what’s been running your life, explore the Shadow Work practices.