I feel something
Over the tail end of last year, I found myself saying something inaccurate to friends, family, and clients, over and over again.
“You can become so good at creating reality that you become utterly bored with your life. Your souls craves mystery.”
It wasn’t entirely clear to me what that meant at the time or why I felt so keen on saying it to everyone I spoke with.
There was something true in the statement, however.
I was becoming increasingly despondent that my life seemed to be plateauing in its levels of excitement.
8 months of soul searching later, I can see where the inaccuracy in my statement was…
It isn’t that you become so good at CREATING reality which leads to an empty boredom and longing, it’s that you get too focused upon CONTROLLING reality, which in turn, removes all spontaneity from the equation. Even spontaneity becomes a manufactured event.
That realization brought me back to life and lead to a few other key insights.
Worry, fear, anxiety, frustration, anger: these emotions are MASKING emotions. They show up as part of our intellectual control mode.
That intellectual control mode (whether it be racing into action, formulating an extensive plan, visualizing a more desired outcome, etc) is a safety mechanism we use to not have to FEEL the deeper underlying emotion that is there and wants to be healed.
It’s scary to feel terror or anything that shows us we aren’t really in control of something inside of us. But we can become SO GOOD at controlling things that we eventually arrive at a point where feelings themselves are intellectually manufactured.
This was the sad state I found myself in at the end of last year. Intellectually able to conjur any “feeling” at will, but completely incapable of feeling anything organically.
Through various energetic and mental practices, I taught myself how to create feelings I preferred, rather than feel what was buried DEEP within me.
I had turned myself into a robot, and in my best robot voice I was saying: I…have…emotion…for you…human.
But it was all mental. I wasn’t really feeling emotion, I had created an energetic system that allowed me to feel an energetic facsimile to emotion that wasn’t actually feeling at all.
In an effort to control reality, I had lost my humanity.
That concerned me, as I recognized how many others were doing the exact same thing I was doing. Artificially creating emotion facsimiles and calling it living.
Much of the metaphysical and spiritual communities are full of people doing this because of misguided teachings on how reality actually works.
Unraveling all of that falsehood has meant unlearning much of what I thought I knew to be absolute fact. I’ve had to dismantle ten years worth of belief systems in exchange for something more human and real.
Instead of inventing ways to avoid feeling and calling it goal setting or risk management or Plan B, I’ve been allowing myself to feel all of the emotions those strategies were designed to disguise and mask.
It isn’t pretty work. I’ve been a sob face a lot, lately. But I’m feeling everything, again.
When a deadline comes up, or someone is getting angry at me or around me, I don’t move into tiger mode and lock up my feelings for protection anymore. Instead, I just feel vulnerable and hurt and I maybe I cry a little until I don’t need to feel that way anymore.
The Law of Attraction, come to find out, is not about creating control strategies to get your dream life. That’s a false premise. It gets the order wrong.
The Law of Attraction is an intricate system that brings you life scenarios which show you what emotions within you need to be felt fully. Once those emotions are felt and cleared, then your reality responds to your soul condition, not just your mental fantasy and manufactured feelings.
Our world is writhing in emotional injury and pain because so many people are teaching us how to avoid feeling vulnerable. Almost all metaphysical practices are designed to get you to avoid what’s inside of you that wants to be felt fully.
The crazy thing is that when we actually feel that hurt and discomfort fully, we heal the interference that was keeping our soul from shining through fully.
It’s as though each life is a big room and we are each a window on the wall. The light from outside wants to flow through us and into the room, but our windows are covered in mud, our emotional injuries. The light tries to get through, but can only find small cracks and openings, so the room remains dark. We use all kinds of practices to try and clean the window, but if we aren’t addressing the cause of the mud, our emotional injuries, every time we clean the window the mud is quick to come right back. But as we clean our window of deep, muddy, emotional injuries, the entire room begins to fill with light. Just one clear window is enough to fill the entire room with light.
But rather than cleaning our window of the mud and it’s cause, many strategies have us focusing on what little light is coming through the cracks. Or they have us addressing effects rather than causes. Just stand in the light that is already there, they say, and you’ll manufacture a false experience that almost feels like the room is full of light; only you’re standing in a corner and everyone else is still in the dark.
By feeling our feelings, instead of inventing avoidance strategies, we clean our window of causal emotions and get rid of the mud for good and then everyone is able to bask in the light which fills the entire room.
For some this is a no brainer, I imagine, but most are using “busy-ness” or “productivity” as the mask that allows them to not have to feel deep down how out of control they really are.
I was a huge contributor to this false theory that control trumps feeling.
Anytime something shows up in my life now, I ask myself:
“What is this event triggering within me to feel? What emotion am I avoiding that created this event to show me my true soul condition?”
And then I pray to God this prayer:
“God, fill me with your Divine Love, Truth, Wisdom, and Grace. Show me what to feel. Let me feel it fully.”
And I just sit there and feel whatever comes up. I feel it fully. I feel it until it has completely moved through me.
And I move into the next segment of me life, now more ALIVE.
And it feels good.