What are the rules for farting, in a relationship?
Relationships can be tricky things and most of the time, I find myself learning by doing (i.e., learning from my mistakes). Sure, I can run to a newsstand and pick up the latest men’s magazine in the hopes of catching an advice column as to what I’m supposed to do next in my relationship. I’ve even been known to read women’s magazines and romance novels to get into the female psyche, and peruse great blogs like Hooking Up Smart, a wonderful blog for women (and men…I read it frequently) seeking advice on personal development and relationships.
But, in all my relationship advice research, I have yet to come across a definitive answer on what the rules of farting in front of your partner are and how they change as a relationship progresses. Let’s face it, even though I once had a friend that was able to convince her entire first grade class that she did not poop, the rest of us poop and fart. It’s science and a part of being human. In the past, I’ve written about pooping in front of a partner being a sign of true love. After all, I’d be willing to bet that the majority of us don’t want to have to go the rest of our lives with a stomachache because we can’t occasionally pass wind. Yet, people do this. I know both men and women who refuse to cut the cheese in front of anyone of the opposite sex.
I am one of these people. :/
Until I get an official ruling on farting in a relationship…
Never fear, my tummy-aching friends! Until an official ruling on farting in a relationship is brought to my attention, I will fill you in on my work-around for the flatulence issue (at least the early morning toots). The answer to all of your stench-ridden problems is the newspaper subscription.
How a newspaper subscription made flatulence okay, again
I’m an early-morning tooter. It’s not my fault, it’s just my style. But, I am not one to get all gassy in front of a lovely young lady. Many people have the luxury of large houses with multiple bathrooms. Homesteads of this nature provide solace for the gaseous stomach. But alas, I live is a tiny condo with a bathroom attached to my room and I date girls that tend to live in houses from the 1940’s with paper thin walls. I can find no comfort in a place like this. That is, until I started reading the newspaper.
A daily newspaper subscription is the perfect cover for a bubbly stomach (butt?). Walking outside to rip one in the morning might go unnoticed the first couple of times, but eventually you’re going to have some explaining to do and “catching some fresh air” might lead to a partner who wants to do the same, ruining your secret escape for breaking wind. Enter the newspaper subscription. With a newspaper subscription, you finally have a legitimate reason to get out of the house and do your business. Then, it’s back into bed with that young little hottie and the Life & Arts section. No questions asked, other than, maybe, “Can you pass me the finance section?” (I’m imagining you hooked up with an accountant or something).
How do you handle the F-word (fart) in your relationship? What are the rules?
Obviously, I’m clueless on how this whole relationship farting thing is supposed to go down. Are couples supposed to talk about it before the first toot happens? Are there contracts involved, outlining appropriate and inappropriate noise levels and degrees of stench? Under the covers is probably a no-no–how about in the living room, though?
The rules to farting in a relationship need to be defined because, honestly, I’m walking outside and ripping them off for the neighbors every morning and the winter months will be here before we know it. Surely there is a better way. How do you handle flatulence in your relationship? What have your experiences with this issue been, good or bad?
Dogs have it so easy. They can poop in front of anyone they want. Hopefully I’m not the only one experiencing this dilemma. Maybe I should change my diet?
