I keep late hours. If you know anything about me it’s that I’m a bit of a night owl. That being said, over the last couple of years, I’ve come to know my building’s night watchman better than most. The relationship is tumultuous at best. Mostly, because we are in a constant battle for creative control. You see, Alfred (my night watchman) is a bit of a scribe, as well. And while he doesn’t keep a blog (that I’m aware of), he does scribble voraciously into his nightly report log. Guess who the main character is? Me.
It’s not that I’m a terrible resident (especially since I stopped drinking), it’s just that Alfred doesn’t have a whole lot to write about. On some nights, I’m sure I’m the only one who even walks downstairs between the hours of midnight and 6:00am. For this reason, my file in the management office is on par with my disciplinary file from back in high school (it’s huge!). Given I’m such good friends with the management team, I was able to take a look at Alfred’s work in progress and was blown away by the descriptive power of his words, “Apt. 214,” he doesn’t know my name, “was downstairs nosily making a coffee. Someone should tell him to sleep from time to time.” “Apt. 214 was in the workout center passed midnight. He needs to go back to college and learn how to read the rules.” “Apt. 214 was up and loud at 4:00am. I did not make visual confirmation, but could hear his laugh. He laughs like a hyena.” And this last part is true, because as I read that aloud in the leasing office, I couldn’t help but burst into a full hyena squeal.
My question is this: What should I do about this cat and mouse scenario that has presented itself? I don’t mind that Alfred spends every night trying to find the right adjectives to describe me, but is it fair that I’m the only star in his cast? While he’s worried about my where abouts every night (I’ve caught him just standing in my hallway, outside my door on several occasions), is everyone else’s safety being diminished? If he’s going to write me up every time I purchase an item from the vending machine or check my mail, shouldn’t I say something when I find him napping on the lobby couches, or watching Home Improvement starring Tim “The Toolman” Taylor into the wee hours of the night? Don’t I have a responsibility to the rest of the residents in my building? Or the next time I find him snoozing in the early morning hours, should I just tie his shoe laces together and set the fire alarm off?
“Uh, oh! Alfred go boom!”
