On Being a Nice Guy

why is it that dating is so complicated in the first place? why does one have to act like they aren't interested or act like a total tool to keep someone interested back? The relationship I'm in now didn't start like that (luckily) but I've found that generally when you act like you care about the person you actually care about they turn away- it goes the same way for girls as it does for guys. Why can't it just be simple?

Jon, there's a huge lesson here, but I'll explain it to you when you are a little older.. lol
Have a great weekend.
Greg Worthington

Susanawalsh up there is right - girls do tend to like the bad boy, but it rarely lasts long. Although I wouldn't want some to "tame", or change, there is something sexy about the guy who's not worry about messing up, who talks to anyone about anything, and kind of annoys you in a way you that makes you not quite able figure out why you like it so much...

And then you get to know him and find out he really is just a sweet, thoughtful guy after all. It's a good thing. It's like...dark chocolate. A little bitter when you at first, but when you take the time to really taste it you'll find the sweet caramel inside.

How about you just be yourself? Is he some combination of sarcastic and nice? I think that girls are skeptical of nice guys because we just don't think that a guy could possible be this amazing. As for us girls we have our roles to play to. As soon as I come across as having an opinion or showing I may be just a tad bit smarter then the guy I'm currently seeing in any category he tends to bolt as well. So I think the better question in all of this is why do we have to play so many games.

woah woah woah...."As soon as I come across as having an opinion or showing I may be just a tad bit smarter then the guy I'm currently seeing in any category he tends to bolt as well" that part just plain makes no sense...stop hanging around idiots....many guys want girls with opinions not subservent know-nothings...i only know frat guys like that

Being the sarcastic dick is a great way to hide the fact that you're a closed-minded simpleton who equates "being nice" with being a chump who will follow a girl around on a leash buying her presents and giving her endless compliments. You'll score plenty of hookups with insecure women and get an awesome reputation as an idiot.

Confidence is sexy, but you don't have to put women down to gain an equal footing with them, and men who dominate relationships this way just encourage the chauvinism so prevalent in our society today.

Jon and Nick have it right when they say you can be teasing and playful without being an asshole. If you go into a relationship with a girl with the confidence that you're equals (i.e. obviously, you both want each other, but you don't need each other - you're strong, smart individuals), you have much less chance ending up either the jerk who treated her like garbage or the loser who wouldn't stick up for himself.

you gave up mr. nice on Christmas eve day! well, good luck w/ mr. mean, you have a lot of competition out there : )

I think the relationship between Winona Ryder and Ethan Hawke in "Reality Bites" best sums up the conundrum/cliche. Women do like the asshole- they're more intriguing at first. But yeah, the games get old- and then you just want someone with the same sense of humor as you. Then you can both laugh at the same stuff. Just my 2 cents.

I read in a social psych book ("Influence" by Robert Cialdini) that people most like jerks who they think they've had a hand in reforming. They like reformed jerks *better* than people who they like without the jerk phase.

One of my old bosses used to do this deliberately. He would abuse his new assistants and then treat them nicer over the first several weeks. They ended up very loyal and devoted to him.

So Nice Guy Jon, just realize that Sarcastic Jon is your tool to get what you want. Isn't that nice?

Oh, this breaks my heart. As a blogger who talks to a whole lot of college girls, I can tell you that they want a nice boy. But..... he has to start out as an asshole. There, I've said it. Girls do want the bad boy. They want to conquer him, tame him, make him fall in everlasting love for the first time and then: turn into sweet boy. So it's not one or the other, it's a question of....personal development and growth. Or the appearance of such. Think about it. A one-two punch.

www.HookingUpSmart.com

that is the best way that anyone has every put it...from my experience, you're exactly right

@staci - you said it.

i agree with all of the comments so far, oddly enough, whether friendship/relationship/whatever, you do have to have a balance but that balance has to be for the entire time, not just the begining, or 'long run', if your (too) nice when you first meet a girl (again doesn't matter what your intentions are) shes just going to want to be friends, but if you can pull both off then you may have a chance, if wanted, but if your too much of an a** at first, then screw it, shes not going to want to be around you for much longer. but in the end i think it all depends on what experiences a person has had whether relationships/friendships or even with their parents. sorry if this is too dr. phil.

As beccacamp said- without the Nice Guy, we don't usually stick around. The games might be fun and intriguing at first, but they get tedious. Honestly, I'd prefer someone who was direct- if I like you, it's not the guessing games that will keep me interested in the long run.

You have to lure the girls in with the pseudo-interested, sarcastic, self-deprecating guy. They love it.

"He makes fun of himself! He makes fun of me! He's soooo funny! But I can't tell if he's interested..."

Keep 'em guessing.

If you find a girl you really dig, then you can slowly let the "nice guy" come out. S-L-O-W-L-Y.

Believe me, I've been burned by letting Mr. Nice Guy out of the gate too quickly. It's 50% of who I am, but I've learned that after awhile you can create a good balance between the two, and use both sides to create a weird, effective mystique for yourself.

Good luck,

BP

@nick - sage advice

hah my man jon, now you finally understand. I am one of the "jerks" who finishes first, and its wonderful. I have a full selection of all the hottest girls i want. The key is the chase. you dont have to be a dick, women just like to not know if you like them or not. you buy em dinner, flowers, gifts, tell them how much they mean to you, and then your like every other dunce out there who trys to hit on em. for once, just hang out with them and dont immediatly communicate that you are interested in them. That, with a bit of confidence, style, and swagger will get you any girl you want, and you dont have to beat your wife to do it.
Cheers brother

ha, nothing is ever too personal for a blog comment...i preach transparency as religion...

i see what you're saying, here...but, the fact is that when i (or any guy) plays the mean guy card, he instantly sets himself aside from most other guys, who are afraid they might offend a beautiful woman...the key is perfecting a balance of sarcasm and humor...there's a fine line here, that even I'm trying to perfect, but I can assure you the right mix, here, will always lead to a girl that is more interested in you than not...it's science (well, in the sense that i've created the following formula)

Sarcasm + Comedy = Intrigue

girls like mystery...and I would imagine that your icing over made you more curious to understand what i was all about...maybe i'm off base, but you girls are freaking weird...just my saying that the two of us can never have sex because we're already too good of friends, in some twisted way, probably makes you want to have sex with me, or at least consider the possibilities. alright, maybe i took that too far (but, i didn't, did i?), but you see what i'm getting at...the more distanced we, as men, can make ourselves seem from you, the more you feel this urge to figure us out and tame the wild beast.

i'm not sure if i'm saying what i want to say, but trust me, intrigue and mystery leads to romance much more often than flowers and chocolates. this is why many modern women have their "boy toy" who buys them things and takes them to fancy places and their "sexcapade boy," who has mastered the art of sarcasm humor and body language.

I hate to admit it, because I like being the nice guy, and there's certainly a place for the nice guy in all of this, but he cannot exist without the sarcastic guy setting all the ground rules.

your thoughts?

DON'T kill off Nice Jon. Chivalry isn't dead yet- it's just on life-support.