On Hooking Up the First Night

I think the key phrase here is "rule of thumb".

Certainly there are exceptions to every rule - and rules of the thumb persuasion seem to have even more . . .

That disclaimer aside, I tend to agree with what you said. Maybe saying that by hooking up on the first date a girl puts herself in same category as a prostitute is a bit harsh, but hey - often it's not *what* you do or your intentions - it's how it's perceived that counts.

Nothing wrong with being slutty - a girl's entitled to a good time!

Now when it comes to affairs of the heart - there's more than just damp panties on the line.

Bottom line - I don't think I've ever regretted the ramifications (why does that sound like a dirty pun in this context?) of waiting. Can't say the same about the times I took the other approach!

I like sex. I don't respect girls whether they have a one night stand with me or they marry me. I just want their sex.

I don't know why everyone is offended by this. Its perfectly logically. Any girl who hops in bed on a first date leaves the guy assuming she sleeps with every guy on the first date. Which screams cheap and trashy, and not long term relationship material.

Screw the sexual revolution, and that double standards jargon. If more girls/women were concerned about what people think of them, maybe they would jump in bed with random men they just met less often, and there would be less unwanted pregnancies, and children growing up without fathers.

Seriously people??!! I have slept with a guy on a first date, I have slept with a guy 6 days after meeting him, and I have waited for months and months, and not one of those relationships was any different from the other.

It is like it is expected for a guy to bed whoever he wants, and it is perfectly ok for him to have a one night stand, I mean he is a guy right, he can't help himself. Well, screw that noise. Are you telling me it is wrong for a girl to be sexually attracted to a guy, bed him and then go home, and not want anything in return?? I don't think so.

And just for the record I am NOT looking for a long term relationship with every swinging dick I crawl into bed with. Sometimes girls just want to get laid too. No strings. No committment. No phone call the next day.

I agree with John in that there are differences in what men and women expect in a one night stand. If the expectations are made clear--and they should be--then no one gets hurt.

If girls put out on the first date, they're not only selling themselves short, but also loosing their self respect. Sex should be intimate and come after people know each other.

Guys should also be mindful of bedding a girl on the first date. We get unrealistic expectations and will end up having too many sexual partners, which is never good in the big picture.

too many rules.

if you like each other and you're right for each other it won't matter when and how you met , or when and how you first hooked up. a real connection is real, and can't be improved or ruined by playing games or sleeping with someone too soon. yes, there are probably more successful relationships born out of "actual dating," but don't discredit an intense (mutual) attraction and wanting to act on it before the "rules" allow.

my two cents :)

Hooking up on first date sets expectations regardless of genders and sexual orientation.

I'm in a long-term relationship that started with an explicit agreement *not* to have sex for six weeks, so we'd be forced to get to know each other better. It worked.

I like it Jon. Very good. It's a shame people don't realize that there's a lot more to life and relationships than sex. For instance, there's Christmas, and that's in 10 minutes for me. See, I am having Christmas, not sex. I feel much better. I've had a long term relationship with Christmas and it's been going on for ages. We've never even had sex, and I still love Christmas.

Inspiration=jonray

Thanks!

egads! Prostitute might have been a bit too strong a word, but in essence, I agree with what you're saying- instantaneous hook-up does not a relationship make. Romantic relationships are built, not born. On the other hand, that doesn't mean that such a hook-up should be an ALL-condemning factor either, and by judging someone based on this ONE fact you might have missed out.

wooooooooaaah!!!
totally opened up a deep seated sociological/gender issue here. it hurts my brain!!! these comments dude, WOAH!! The answer to this issue is so simple and if you're secure enough, you'll know it. However, some of these people almost make me want to promiscuously sleep with randoms, just to be rebellious. i wont, but still. aahahahah

@Gnat - I WISH I could go back to 1955...i'd swing by the Enchantment Under the Sea dance, beat up a guy named Biff and revel in the fact that I'm only paying 29-cents a gallon for gasoline.

@Mollena - Good point on sex workers. I guess it's hard to be a prostitute if there isn't full disclosure and money exchanged. Also, thanks for requesting a cease fire on the poo-slinging. ;)

@Aidan - Yeah, the guys should be included in this. I didn't mention them, because this was more of an open letter to a handful of girls blowing up my phone on a regular basis wondering why our relationship hadn't gone to the next level. I'm constantly referring to myself as a prostitute, so don't think that I consider this a moral sin or anything like that. For the record, both the guys and girls I know share many traits of sluts, prostitutes, etc. Maybe I just roll with a rough crowd?

@gnat so you are basing your disagreement on ONE couple? One versus the millions of one-night stands that result in

1) No follow-up.
2) STDs.
3) Unwanted pregnancies.

Really???

Because,had those people REFRAINED from fucking on the first night, the probably STILL would have fallen in love and gotten married, methinks.

Peace.

~Mollena

Yes, Virginia, there is a sexual double standard. Flinging poo at Jon for pointing this out is hubris.

I certainly have engaged in first-night hookups precisely because I know they won't result in down-the line relationships. And if I am interested in a LTR I refrain from bedding the guy off the bat. In all my years of dating, I have only once...ONCE...had a relationship that started off as a first-night fuck move on to a relationship. And that was after a year spent in FWB mode, my calling it off because i was getting attached, my having another relationship, then hooking BACK up with the dude, and his changing his mind about not wanting a girlfriend.

Pretty long odds, yeah?

But to gently amend, Jon: hooking up on a first date isn't the move a prostitute: sex-workers barter their services and negotiate remuneration, and the boundaries are clear. That KNOW what they are doing.

Peace.

~Mollena

Your argument relies (oddly) on the assumptions that 1) desiring/enjoying sex on a first date = prostitute-esque behavior for a woman, and 2) all women are looking for a long-term relationship. You might want to invest in a time machine to take you back to, say, 1955, where you'll find your sexual ethics more in line with the times. BTW, one of the happiest married (with a kid) couples I knew when I lived in Chicago were the product of a college one-night stand. Live and learn, kiddo.

@k - Well played. The check's in the mail. ;)

I appreciate your honesty. It shows that the double standard still reigns. Whatever hooking up you do boosts your status, while your female partner loses status. That is why the majority of women are dissatisfied with the hookup culture; they don't object to hooking up per se, but regret that it only leads to relationships 12% of the time. The problem is that dating is dead, so for women who want a relationship, it's still their best hope. Check out my blog www.HookingUpSmart.com, a site that com aims to support young women in their search for meaningful relationships by providing strategic insight and guidance as they manage their social and sexual interactions with men.

I think it might be more about expectations. One night stands are fun, as long as it's understood that it is, what it is. Unfortunately, I've found that most women have different expectations than men, when it comes to "hooking up". Even if it's a buzz kill, you have to let the woman know your intentions (i.e. just looking to get laid).

If you're looking for a long term relationship, then you would be better off choosing to abstain until you get to know your love interest.

Hmmm...
I'm not sure how to comment on this. I'd say that a percentage of the time that is correct, but not always. Ask my middle-aged males friends and they say they're too old for the games and if the woman DOESN'T put out the first or second date, they have no interest in pursuing a relationship with them. It just all depends on what the person's motives are.If you want to get sexist here, a lot of the time the men just want to hook up and they woo us hardcore, and we are either too trusting/insecure/dumb/lonely to see past it.

Wait a ducking minute....

What's wrong w/ the blog again?
Girls. When are you going to realize that hooking up with a guy the first time you meet him is NOT the right way to end up in a long-term relationship.
my translation: Some girl cheats on her bf/fiancé by hooking up w/ a stranger one night, and it (eventually) causes the long-term relationship to end.

next...
If you’re going to act like a prostitute, we’re probably going to treat you like one. We’ll keep your business card, but when we call, it’s not going to be for dinner and a movie.
my translation: This is a reaction from the victim in the above scenario. The boyfriend, fiancé, (whatever) has every right to think of his ex as a slutty, filthy prostitute. One night stands are one thing, but if you're in a serious relationship and have a random hookup, then you are a piece of shit with self control issues.

@Michelle - Yeah, I'm testing the waters. I've played it safe for a while now, so now I'm seeing how ruffling a few feathers strikes people. If my blog traffic is any indicator, ruffling feathers has much more appeal than playing it safe, or at least it gets more attention. Thanks for the feedback, it is always welcomed, good or bad.

wait...really?
...i actually thought you were really cool and i've been following this blog for a couple of weeks. definitely didn't see this coming.
i mean maybe you're trying to be edgy? this post has definitely gotten more comments than any others. just thought you'd find a better way to get a following.
still, i think you're pretty cool. just surprised.

@Anonymous - Actually, on second glance, I do, don't I? ;)

@Anonymous - HAHAHAHAHAHA! Go back to third grade.

@Anonymous - So, let me get this straight - You're mad at me, because I'm encouraging girls NOT to have promiscuous sex and instead, abstain and get to know someone before getting in bed with them? Interesting. And yes, I believe the exact same thing goes for guys. In a game of percentages, I'd be willing to bet that there are far more successful relationships that resulted from actual dating, as opposed to two people randomly hooking up because it was last call and they were lonely. Give me a break "anonymous" and at least have the courtesy to list your name if you're going to call me an misogynist.